What's normal

Today I was chatting with someone who has MS and someone who has Fibromyalgia. They were telling me about good days and bad days. I said a don't have bad days I just have days that frustrate and challenge me, but thats not a bad day. I mentioned that there are little reversals of focus that have really helped me over the years. The first and foremost is my definition of health. Many people in our position envy other folks, "healthy" folks. We see vitality as something akin to the energizer bunny. We judge the book by its cover –even when we are the book. I have learned to see health and define healthy as something very different than most. Just as we should not measure intelligence based on what you can be taught. But instead by your capability to see and envision and use your mind uniquely and beyond convention, so then health should not be based on a state of normalcy or ability but on how we manage the states of stress and live without disability. I have seen disabled people who live happily in conditions that would cause most “normal” people to breakdown, give up, or become frozen with despair. As a primary example are many artists, academics and athletes with disabilities. Some were congenital some were contracted but these folks are not defined by their lack of… but rather by their achievements and by their "normalcy".
Redefining healthy is the first step. The second step is redefining what makes up a good day.
For me, I like to say that any day above ground is a good day. Waking up is my cake and everything else is icing. I know that sounds fluffy and cliché but I live that statement.
- In this moment I am writing to new friends, people who have a voice and honesty and are paying attention to what I have to say and are responding. That is awesome. I can speak, I can see, my list of I can’s goes on and on.
I meditate with an inner focus so that when pain arises I understand it, I don’t fear it, and (although sometimes this is tough) I don’t let it engulf me. When I am meditating If there is pain I look at it –I address it and then I mentally turn my back on it and change my attention. IF it keeps calling to me I treat my pain like a crying child, soothing thought, soothing words, listen to it, understand what is causing it and if it’s in my power to fix by adjusting my leg or adjusting my back, I do that. But when its deeper, and or is related to the unique situations that my illness causes –then I make a decision to keep meditating or not –IF I choose to keep meditating then the pain comes along with me on the journey –it is after all part of me and sometimes ignoring it or pretending it isn’t there is just another way of seeing myself as less than whole. I used to teach art to children. The first thing I would do is explain to the parents that art is meerly a physical embodyment of the emotions and visions of the creator. I worked for about an hour with the parents and only the parents of my new students to help them redefine art in their minds. Then I would help the kids overcome their doubts and to eliminate tha need to compare themselves to others. You see we are all artists in our own way. A stick figure is art, a blue tree and purple mountain with a smily face sun is art. We are all in our own unique way a wonderful and powerful work of art, but most of us have never had someone teach us how not to compare.

Most of us have never seen ourself and all we do as normal. Normal is a unique definition, are you using someone elses or do you have your own?

Listen to the mustn'ts, child.Listen to the don'ts.

Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts.

Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me...

Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.

I have been working hard to eliminate the stereotypes I have. This is a very difficult practice when it comes to robes. I think we all have issues with robes.
When we see a person wearing a robe we instantly presume we are acquainted with the intent or profession of that person. And we often have a stereotypical lifestyle of the wearer comes to mind as well. Why? What is it about the robe that has appealed to the learned, the wise, the scholarly, and more pointedly those persons dedicated to religious pursuits for so many years that every continent in the world has its well known robed figures?
Over the years the robe has come to mean very different things to various people. Many social, religious and educational systems around the world use robes to denote achievement and status such as the Catholic Church, The Ku Klux Klan, and the legal and collegiate systems. But what is it about the robe that becomes ingrained in the psyche more than any other uniforms? A Catholic or Jesuit priest stands out in his robes as does a Klansman, a professor and a Judge and of course the Buddhist or Christian Orthodox monks. The idea of a portly “Friar” presents an image of peaceful reserve and kindness. The Image of a Klan’s man presents quite the opposite image. Lately eastern clerics have begun to mold a stereotypical image with a robe and turban. But I couldn’t even begin to describe the Iraqi or Iranian military uniforms. Historically this raiment has represented the poor and humble, but that’s been changed over the centuries. The lack of tailoring and accoutrements is what ancient peoples associated with the poor and lower class; wanderers, beggars, unclean and untouchable. As time progressed these garments began to represent the scholarly, wise and religious and pious persons in many countries and cultures. So why in this modern world are these garments so dramatically ingrained in our minds in association with the stereotypical wearer? I believe that has to do with history, the vast and almost unchanged history. A robe is a robe is a robe. This simple garment in its many forms is the oldest article of clothing still in use today. After centuries of seeing certain groups and sects, factions and fraternities wearing the same colored robes, stereotypes have become well rooted in all cultures of the world. Whether woven, tied, tanned, or sewn together robes signify the wearer’s position and station and what they stand for. Whether they do or not is another issue entirely.

Inner voices

Today is a good day to look back at those things that I once did and miss doing and those things that I don’t do anymore and don’t miss at all. Today I had a compressed collage of introspections. These spanned between loss and approval of where I am today. I say compressed collage because in a very creative way my mind bounced from positive to negative as my inner narrator argued with my inner guru. It all began when I got to work and it went something like this-

N: I hope its Friday this week has been slow., G: Wow –this week went by so fast I forgot what day it was –I got a lot done this week, I feel very productive.
N: Man I can’t believe that I am still eating Bacon –it makes me feel horrible, that’s no way to treat my heart. , G: I have really enjoyed the fruits and veggies I have had this week, I am glad that I am making quick progress back towards a vegetarian diet.
N: Did you feel that? Is my heart beating funny, maybe some things wrong! Oh No –I don’t want something to be wrong! –G: Why do you think something is wrong? Your heart is beating fine. And what if it is beating fast? What do you think will happen? You are going to make something happen if you remain stressed, relax.
N: I can’t go to Yoga today –I feel like I might be getting sick. , G: Yoga is healthy; it improves your body and mind and strengthens your HEART. Go to Yoga. You have no evidence that you are getting sick.
N: This yoga pose is too stressful, I am feeling weak, I am feeling dizzy! What’s wrong?, G: BREATHE –get a drink of water –you just need more water, you’re supposed to feel like this its healthy to feel this way.
N: I can’t believe that I was asked to work on that, I have so much on my plate already, this sucks, I’m gonna fail. G: Tell them No, if they need you to do it, then they will ask your boss and he will assign it to take priority over everything else, you can tell them NO.
N: Man I wish I could go out with those guys tonight, they probably think I’m just making excuses, they probably think I am acting like old fart. I can’t believe that I have become so old I can’t go out to clubs and hang out like I used to. , G: Priorities change and health and relaxation and family come first enjoy this part of your life.
N: I feel so drained of energy; I can’t believe I have this extra weight. G: You’ve done great. Keep it up. Don’t order bacon next time.

I am proud that I am eating better and exercising rather than just being health conscious. I don’t miss clubs with loud noise, rude people, and expensive everything. I am proud that I put myself first nurturing my kids, my home life and my relationship with my wife. I don’t miss overworking; rushing to fit it all in, making great efforts to please everyone I work with instead of just my boss. I am proud that rather than hearing my Narrator’s criticisms and doubts and fears I challenge them and bring them back to a positive direction. I miss camping and traveling on a shoe string and having time to spend on my art and myself. I am proud that I have taken the time to teach my kids to paint, draw, write creatively, canoeing, hiking, to enjoy reading and to understand why I love the out of doors.
Today is a great day to remember fondly what we had, what we did, where we were and why we aren’t there anymore. Today is a great day to see our lives positively.

Mother tree

From the beginning of recorded time man has held Nature in reverence. Especially trees, big ones. As I progressed in my studies of religion I was amazed at the similarities presented when the aspect of a tree was stated. Ancient religions have “The celestial tree” Who’s branches hold up the heavens and roots support the world. Trees represent life, fertility, strength, health, refuge and even spirit beings. The garden of Life has both the tree of life and the tree of knowledge, Siddhartha gained enlightenment from or under a revered fig-tree who’s heart shaped leaves are also a symbol of good fortune. The oak leaves and acorns are symbols of rebirth and life and there are hundreds more references to the importance of the tree. So I think that if I am aware of my ascent to Deva-Gati, or Tendo then I would like to live an incarnation as a tree. I would like to grow old as a tree seeing the world around me grow and change. I would like to feel the changes in the earth and to share and absorb the energy of all around me living and dead. I would like to feel all the aspects of the weather and read the chemicals on the wind. I think that trees especially old trees should all be protected like whales and tortoises. These old beings that we call trees have far more to tell us about this world we live on if we just take the time to watch and listen and learn.



In my grove there is a tree.
She is an awesome tree who speaks to me.
Her roots share the powers in the earth with those who live beneath.
Her trunk is set upon her nest, supporting all her children in a homely vibrant wreath.
Above me are her boughs, shielding hurt and woe,
and comforting all who call her home from heat and rain and snow.
And in my mind she speaks to me of the world that she has been, she speaks in breaths of cool fresh air of all that has and will be seen.
She is connected to the world, root and trunk and bough.
And she sees all that I could ever do and be and precisely when and how.
But as she calms my racing mind
She brings me back to now.

Inconsistent Incarnations

You’ll more than likely come back as animal, bug or plankton. Good try better luck next time.
Reincarnation is an awesome cycle. All living things die and thus all living things are reborn, right? Well that gets a bit sketchy depending on who you talk to. Some folks seem to have the opinion that Humans always come back as humans, other folks like me believe that there are many possibilities. I think that trees, and animals, fish and reptiles all have their redeeming and appealing natures when considering that next time around some part or all of me might be in one of them. And that’s where I get the disagreement. Many would argue that once the soul has risen to the human level it is impossible for it or any part of it to return as something less than human. I say “give me a break!” Less than human is an ego driven concept, life is life. The beliefs and connections made by indigenous peoples all over the world do not differentiate between human and animal. In contrast to common modern thinking on the subject, the indigenous peoples and ancient civilizations mixed the races of animal and man and spirit.
I think that there are other aspects of rebirth as well. The many planes of existence are populated with spirits and demons, ghosts and all manner of beings. Jigokudō is the last place we want to end up but is fitting for some. Gakidō seems to be a common point of return for many in this century that aspire to greed and lust, always hungry for more. And then there’s Tendō, a heavenly place where you get the choice to return whenever and however you like to teach and provide aid for those trapped in the cycle.
So why do some folks cling to the idea that past lives are always human and future lives must be advancements in the cycle. But what is advancement to someone who didn’t get it.
Shambhala says this “Between the various forms of existence there is no essential difference, only a karmic difference of degree. In none of them is life without limits. However, it is only as a human that one can attain enlightenment. For this reason Buddhism esteems the human mode of existence more highly than that of the gods and speaks in this context of the “precious human body.” Incarnation as a human being is regarded as a rare opportunity in the cycle of samsara to escape the cycle and it is a challenge and obligation of humans to perceive this opportunity and strive toward liberation (enlightenment)........Although the gods are allotted a very long, happy life as a reward for previous good deeds, it is precisely this happiness that constitutes the primary hindrance on their path to liberation, since because of it they cannot recognize the truth of suffering.”
So if we can only attain enlightenment when we are human then it only makes sense that if we don’t, we have a greater chance of exiting the stream as an animal or insect or plant next time.
I think that many Buddhists shun this idea because it means that they have a narrow window to get it right.

Zeal for life

I am constantly reminded of how awesome life is. I am also regularly awestruck with surprising and magical experiences. I find it sad when I get into a conversation with someone who is zealous about anything other than living. Life doesn’t require me to understand how you perceive the Heart sutra –so I don’t care. Life doesn’t need me to give up my weekend to attend a rally. Life has never argued my need to believe in a savior in order to enter a heavenly place. I like life; it’s what I worship.
I loved to read outside when I was a kid, in a tree, in the grass, in a canoe or while I walked. I read the Bible- several versions, and the Torah outside when I was a kid, I read the life of Siddhartha, and many other religious tomes. These were great for preserving feathers or flowers, clover, and cool leaves. But what happened to me while I was outside; those lessons are awe inspiring and educational.
Many times I heard a Rabi read from the Torah, and then we all had the most wonderful food and wine and dancing. I went to Mass more times than I can count, but it was architecture, stained glass and pageantry that I remember. I have read the sutras and Holy Scripture only to find that sitting silently for hours in contemplation can only help if I practice the lessons in the world of life because the lessons are about experiencing life and living.
So I get out there and I live. I preach life. Experience is my teacher and practicing and refining how well I live is rewarding and fun. So when someone starts quoting scripture to me about what I should do and how I should live, I just smile and listen. Because Life is a collection of experiences, and dreams that allow us to understand our surroundings and hopefully control who we are and where we are. I am zealous about life. I tell people to put down the book about someone else’s life and go live your own. How long does it take to read the basic rules? 8,10,12 whatever the number of rules you prescribe to –read-em, know-em, live em! The book of life has unlimited pages –hopefully your chapter will not keep referencing other books that you thought would tell you how to live.

Bodhi-Kombi

I went to visit my first Guru the other day.
He was still doing well. As usual he said very little, but spoke volumes in his silence. He always had a way of making me find the answers to my lofty questions on my own. I remember wanting to take a long trip. I packed and saved my money, and planned my route and imagined all that I would experience. My Guru had other plans. Just far enough from home that I couldn’t easily get back, he stopped my trip, made me give away all my money, taught me how to enjoy making friends, the value of getting lost, the wonder of sleeping in the middle of nowhere. And most of all he taught me that when I think I need to explore the world the best place to start is close to home.
Within that same year I learned what home is. I had a roof, I had a stove, and I had a place to sleep that was out of the weather. Home was where I was comfortable, and comfort too became very different when he challenged what I knew about it. I loved the lessons my Guru taught on me about love. I remember him just sitting there, the sun baking down beside the busy interstate. His heart had given out, he was leaking. And though I had very little money, I begged and borrowed to get him somewhere safe where he and I could live together until I learned to heal his damaged body. Love, he taught me, IS a state of being. Many of us choose to live with love as though it is a passing feeling like fright and joy. No. I learned that living in love means that you love everything; the good, the bad, the healthy and the harmful because it is all interwoven in how we measure this life.
SO I love that I was homeless, because I found friends. I love that I was crippled and in pain because I found I was strong. I love that I was broke, because I learned a to be self sufficient. And I love that my old friend was so unreliable, because it taught me to enjoy life’s surprises.
My Guru lives with a young family now. He is well cared for in his old age, they have rewarded his service to his past students with a refurbished body and interior. He looks great.
When I mentioned how glad I was to see him so well cared for. My young friends said, “Ya, we fixed him up so that we could take a trip.”
“It’ll be awesome” I said.

All praise Bodi-kombi, svaha Bodi-kambi svaha

Vertigo and other circular thought

I recently read the book titled “Zen and the Brain” by James Austin, M.D. and it confirmed some very thought provoking and heated arguments that I commonly run into when speaking in the context of “the power of meditation”.
This concept seems to always creep up in the meditating world. Claims that meditating in specific ways will enable you to (you fill in the blank), seem to me to cloud the water quite a bit. I would say pollute it. When I get periodicals, or got to web sites where Buddhists, or even just “new age or alternative” folks would be the audience I always feel like I am bombarded with information. These ads remind me of the carnies that yell and taunt you from their booths at the county fair.”It’s easy, Just $2.00, Look at these prizes…” It all becomes rather nauseating or maybe that’s the cotton candy. SO rather than be assaulted by claims of nirvana in with the correct mudra. I like to explore my mind in my own way, and that exploration sometimes needs some reinforcement. After reading this book I have come to understand the connections between mind and body with far more detail. This book is written with some level of medical lingo and a presumption that the reader is versed in neurology, psychology and medical research lingo. That said I am very please to find that physical health, awareness, consciousness, and mental capacity are all aspects that can be enhanced with meditation. Some of these enhancements can come naturally, or without direct thought. This book sites many instances and studies but the one that was very obvious was a study that involved folks who for one reason or another had lost both eyes, but were able to point to an exact position in the room where movement occurred. This might seem like a simple feat, but try it. This is an example of the mind rewiring itself to use the senses differently than they were designed. This and many more mental expansions are presented as a result of meditation. I believe that consciousness as most people understand it is a very limited “awareness”, when in fact consciousness involves the very fibers of our body. Synaesthesia presents proof that out heart and mind and other organs of our body actually carry some level of trained response to stimuli that occurs outside the body. A clear example of this is when someone else yawns it triggers a yawn in most of us. If someone else ducks we might also duck, before looking at what triggered that action. These are very simple actions that are programmed into our bodies. But we can program them to do more. Like the martial artist whose hands and feet are already moving to block a blow that isn’t even within their line of sight or like the juggler who “feels” where something is going to be, we can train our minds to react to external stimuli. But my interest lies deeper.
There are many recorded and documented instances where someone who received a heart, liver, lung transplant begin to experience cravings, reactions, even dreams that do not relate to them but are very clearly related to the donor of the organs. This type of connection to the donor through the donated organ speaks volumes to me. This is proof for me that our minds are merely where we think but our consciousness is stored in every fiber of our being. And with this proof we can meditate on improving respiration, and improve it, We can meditate on expanding our memory or our emotional relationships and change them physically. This spiral of action and reaction in a focused circle makes me wonder if enlightenment isn’t a state of knowing all as much as it is a state of being all, feeling all, seeing all clearly and with purpose. And these deep, spiraling lines of thought give me vertigo. And sometimes make me a little queasy.

The foot feels the foot when it feels the ground. ~Buddha
Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. ~Baba Ram Dass
I am a part of all that I have met. ~Alfred Lord Tennyson

What's to loose?

Today I am trying to deal with loss, the loss of a beautiful sole.
It all started when I met someone at a local store. I was walking past a crowd and there he was. He looked really familiar so I said “Hi”. He greeted me in kind and we began to have a conversation. We walked away from the large group so we could become more acquainted. I introduced him to my wife and daughter. He greeted them cordially and proceeded to include them in our conversation. We all agreed that we enjoyed the meeting and the conversation. As we rejoined the crowd our new friend began talking with someone else so we quietly took our cue and walked on. While we were shopping my daughter commented how nice our new friend was and mentioned that he was homeless. “Really? –I guess that could be, but with all those people around I was sure he must have somewhere to stay.”
My wife and I chatted casually about friends we have had that crashed at our place and about how important it is to have a place to call home. My daughter chimed in that we had room to spare and that we could surely help this guy out with a few meals and a bed. I explained how it wasn’t safe to invite a total stranger to stay with you. I explained that it’s one thing to bring home some young friends, folks that you know from the neighborhood, or whose parents you have met and been around. But a total stranger is different. Who knows what he’s done or might do? “Daddy, we all agreed we like him, he’s nice and polite, and it’s the right thing to do.” My daughter replied. So after shopping we went to find our new friend. Sure enough there he was sitting against the wall outside. He looked tiered and stressed. He looked like he had been putting on a smile for too long and now his eyes and his demeanor didn’t fit his pretend happiness when people spoke to him. So I invited him to come home with us. He wasn’t really sure, and he seemed as though he was a little frightened. As we were talking this woman comes over and explains that she has been keeping an eye on him for the last month or so and out of the blue- she starts giving us some background about this guy. She makes him out to be a saint and a scholar and assures us that we were very kind hearted and that we would rewarded with his friendship forever.
So here I am today, dealing with the loss of a shoe. This new dog is challenging and needs to be trained to follow our rules. So I have been patient and loving in my orientation. I understand that in his old home he was allowed on the furniture, maybe even the bed. I understand that in his old home he surely had a different schedule and that he may have had different demands placed on him. I am sure that in his old home he was fed scraps of food in the kitchen and at the table. As I teach my new friend how to be part of my family he is teaching me how to be his friend. To really understand what my family and I must do to make this transition comfortable for all of us we have to put ourselves in this guys place. For him it’s all very confusing and frightening and I’m sure at times he feels like everything is spinning out of control. So as I look for the shoe that I’m pretty sure has gone out in the yard via the doggie door, I keep in mind that every time we meet someone new we have an opportunity to develop a friendship. And a friendship takes time and work. A friendship is one of the most rewarding relationships we can have so long as we realize that it takes the two of us to reach a mutual understanding. We must understand that we will fight –without words, we will do the wrong thing, we will act the wrong way and even embarrass each other. But every time we make a new friend we find a new part of our soul. A part of our soul we never knew we had lost. A beautiful soul.

Have you lost a shoe recently? Are you sure… maybe you should look for one anyway.