My Darkest hours

My darkest moments arise in fits and starts. They begin to swell silently like a gently growing cloud on the horizon. My darkest moments begin to grey in the evening gloom and root themselves in my soul with fitful sleep if sleep it is. My darkest thoughts bloom from the decaying roots of long dead battles, overcome threats, and poorly lit fears. The storm breaks with a gust of anger, unattached to an event and unconnected to a solution. Loathing flashes like a strobe light. My semblance is that of a frightened cur, with gnashed teeth and reddened glares, quite undeserved and misunderstood by those who approach with loving hands. My mental vantage jumps from one point to another sliding from each grimy wall dirtier and more exhausted for the effort. Looking at a window at the end of this long dank hall, it is a bright spot in a sea of darkness and shadow. The bright light is painful repulsive. And that I don’t desire it hurts as well.
I close my eyes for the sweet flashes. Glimpses of times when I stood pressed to that opening. Forward staring, warm. There was no hallway. The window shows a far clearer and brighter world, and if had the strength I might drag myself to the sill. I might jump through. Back to where I so often reside. Back from this moldering and dank excursion.
My darkest moments feed and grow on fear of the light. They swell and bulge with the worry that there will be more pain. The fear that I will not be strong enough to keep swimming. I worry that they will feel more than pain, I fear that I cannot take that pain into myself that I cannot relieve what is theirs to bear. These darkest of moments grow and swell swallowing me for a time. This time. And even though I might entertain the thought that when I choose to I will close my eyes, and breathe slowly. I will step forward toward the window. I will feel the warmth; I will cast off this fear and live outside in the world of love and comfort. I must also admit this does not fit into the cycle of life. This notion of control does not fit the truth that all matter waxes and wanes in balance. In Bright days contain shadows and darkest nights have stars.
But for now I must continue on deeper into the darkness. And I must experience that which is only mine, I must feel and learn how to understand My darkest moments, though my understanding will mean nothing in the end. It is what it is. I will ride the current without struggling.
OM Mane Padme Hum