Today I woke to my son telling me something was wrong with his face. Sure enough as I looked at him one side of his face was swollen dramatically. It looked like he inflated his lips and cheek on the right side of his face. I had no idea what to make of it and I began to automatically go through the type of questions that would narrow the course of action and allow me to help as best as I was able. It turned out to be the beginning of an allergic reaction. This is something new for him and he will have to have tests and so forth.
This occurrence caused me to reflect on the evolution of fear and it’s more harmful brother – worry. I was thinking about why I cannot always prevent their growth in me. For many of us fear relates to the relationship between the unknown and wellbeing of ourselves or someone we care for. Fear may arise quickly and subside as quickly. Like when Dr. says “Oh , it’s nothing, this is very common, you’ll be fine.” What that statement says to us is “If this happens again don’t be afraid you’re not in danger.”
If you get a nose bleed as a kid –you are sure you’re gonna bleed to death. Or the first time you stub your little toe –OUCH –you’re sure it’s broken. As we get more informed and begin to understand our bodies more fears about ourselves and others begin to subside and become more infrequent. It starts all over again when you have your first child. By the third you’re a pro and it seems as though little fazes you.
Worry on the other hand isn’t so easy to fix. Worriers focus on the unknown and unknowable and manifest the worst possible scenario as predesigned occurrences. “I know these migraines are killing me!” is a fairly dramatic worry, but the slim chance that this is possible makes it very real at that time.
After 28 years of dealing with PTSD, and other issues (that I had no idea I was dealing with) without the care of a physician. I was happy to hear from my psychologist that I had great coping skills. What that meant to me was that I had done well diagnosing and treating myself. Buddhism taught me how to do that. Even those new to Buddhism learn that pain and suffering arise from within. We learn that we have the power to understand and eliminate the seeds of suffering inside our mind and we have the power to understand our bodies, in many instances, better than a physician. It is OUR body after all.
I used to have mental discussions like this often to calm myself and alleviate worry. My mental coping ladder goes something like this: I think I need to get to a Dr. (Why?) Something is wrong? (Why do I think that?) I feel dizzy and clammy. (Does my head hurt?)No. but I think my heart is racing (your nervous) So why am I feeling like this? (I’ve been drinking enough water.) Ya, so (When did I eat last?) About three hours ago. (a salad and fruit juice?) No, not fruit juice- water. (Get some fruit juice –your sugar is low.) But what if it isn’t that? (just get some juice and give it 10 minutes) After that I’m gonna get worried again (sure we can do this all over again in 10 minutes.)
This might seem silly, even childish. But after the medical history of my childhood, these little scenarios became common when I got into adulthood. The unfocused mind would settle on something trivial, the lack of reason for that focus would cause a physical auto-response and then I would have several minutes of 20 questions to get my mind to focus on the known and not the unknown. I learned the hard way how to live in the moment and be present in the known world. But for me this lesson saved my life. I had multiple open heart surgeries before I was 10 and have a history of heart issues. So I am very aware when my heart is doing something it shouldn’t. I had been to the ER 4 times in a 4 month period. So, when yet another ER Dr.’s said that my blood work and EKG were normal (for me), on the fourth trip to the ER,. I said No. I explained what I was feeling once again and asked for my Cardiologist. They put me in a room for the night and the following morning my Dr. and I had a discussion about what had been happening over the last several months. I had been following up with her after each ER visit and she had come to the same conclusions as the Er Docs, I was fine. SO I asked if there were any issues that the EKG and blood work could miss. Not really, she said. But we could do an Echocardiogram.
After that I was immediately scheduled for open heart surgery to repair one valve and a hole in my arterial wall. Apparently one of the leads from my pacemaker had gotten a little loose and every time my heart beat the lead rubbed on the arterial wall, eventually making a hole and then damaging a valve.
I have a lot of experience with fear and worry. Much of it was easily explained and calmed. But I believe the main reward for the practice of eliminating suffering by self reflection is that in training our minds to understand what is real and what is imagined we learn to know and trust our inner awareness, and that can save your life. And it also teaches us that Fear and worry also have a purpose, which is to help us learn what causes pain and why.
And understanding that is a very necessary part of being Buddhist.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
A short story to live your life by. By: Scott McLeod
The pond was immense. Ten thousand generations of frogs had lived there. It was green and lush. The food was plentiful, the dangers were few and the climate changed little in an ever turning wheel of night and day. The Frog lived on his Lilly pad. His neighbors had similar pads some larger some smaller, as old frogs died new frogs moved in and as lily pads curled and sank a new one was there to take its place. As far as any frog alive knew, back into history the world had been like this.
The Frog had seen many seasons come and go. He had seen storms tear at the pond. He had seen flocks of birds sift through his neighbors. But his pond was always the same. Every year he saw the emergence of lotus flowers. They rose slowly from beneath the dark water green, like raindrops by the thousands, lifting to the sun. Overnight they would open pale yellow with reddish glowing gems in each center. Insects swarmed the flowers and the frogs gorged themselves. Tiny little frogs emerged from the water at this same time every year to join their family and grow and thrive. And as the flowers faded the birds came to sift through the pond taking away the slow, infirmed and aged.
It was at this time that this frog found himself staring into the eye of a large stork. The frog closed his eyes tight and began to mutter. This stork turned his head and listened. He had never paused in his hunt to listen but today he was very curious. “What’s that you are saying frog?” said the stork. “I am asking to be returned to the world, I am glad to have been here and wish to return after you eat me.”
“Who are you asking?” said the stork. “Oh –I ask myself. I want my last thoughts to filled with pure gratitude and longing for life in this place and in this time. I ask myself to return”
“Humph –that’s silly.” scoffed the stork. “Return from my stomach, ya in a gooey mess!” he tittered.
The frog returned to his inward thoughts.
“Well let’s say you do come back.” said the stork.
“What will you come back as? another frog? “Oh maybe,” said the frog “maybe.”
“But the image I keep seeing in my mind just now was that of a beautiful lotus flower.” said the frog.
“A flower?” said the stork. “Why a lotus flower?”
“IS this not the most beautiful place in the world?” said the frog.
The stork shrugged
Is this pond not the most luxurious and accommodating pond.”
The stork shrugged again.
Well –If I were to be a part of this world I would choose to be a part of the beginning of the world, to look back in history and know that I reflect the light of the sun like a star filled gem on the water. I want to know that it was me that was the beauty that attracted and fed the flying insects and so the frogs and so the storks.
I would know that it was me who greeted the little ones as they emerged from the darkness and it was me that the elderly and infirmed saw as they passed into it. My roots would be joined to the entire world and my seeds would spread my likeness and my spark into eternity.”
“I admire your position.” said the stork. But I am hungry and I must eat.
“So you must.” said the frog and he bowed low.
The next day the stork was looking into the eye of a crocodile.
And as he stood frozen in terror, thoughts of fear and pain clouded his mind and soon nothing remained of the stork but a gooey mess.
Work to make this life a beautiful place that you would love to return to and your every moment will be heavenly and you will find it easier to be understanding of whatever comes along.
The Frog had seen many seasons come and go. He had seen storms tear at the pond. He had seen flocks of birds sift through his neighbors. But his pond was always the same. Every year he saw the emergence of lotus flowers. They rose slowly from beneath the dark water green, like raindrops by the thousands, lifting to the sun. Overnight they would open pale yellow with reddish glowing gems in each center. Insects swarmed the flowers and the frogs gorged themselves. Tiny little frogs emerged from the water at this same time every year to join their family and grow and thrive. And as the flowers faded the birds came to sift through the pond taking away the slow, infirmed and aged.
It was at this time that this frog found himself staring into the eye of a large stork. The frog closed his eyes tight and began to mutter. This stork turned his head and listened. He had never paused in his hunt to listen but today he was very curious. “What’s that you are saying frog?” said the stork. “I am asking to be returned to the world, I am glad to have been here and wish to return after you eat me.”
“Who are you asking?” said the stork. “Oh –I ask myself. I want my last thoughts to filled with pure gratitude and longing for life in this place and in this time. I ask myself to return”
“Humph –that’s silly.” scoffed the stork. “Return from my stomach, ya in a gooey mess!” he tittered.
The frog returned to his inward thoughts.
“Well let’s say you do come back.” said the stork.
“What will you come back as? another frog? “Oh maybe,” said the frog “maybe.”
“But the image I keep seeing in my mind just now was that of a beautiful lotus flower.” said the frog.
“A flower?” said the stork. “Why a lotus flower?”
“IS this not the most beautiful place in the world?” said the frog.
The stork shrugged
Is this pond not the most luxurious and accommodating pond.”
The stork shrugged again.
Well –If I were to be a part of this world I would choose to be a part of the beginning of the world, to look back in history and know that I reflect the light of the sun like a star filled gem on the water. I want to know that it was me that was the beauty that attracted and fed the flying insects and so the frogs and so the storks.
I would know that it was me who greeted the little ones as they emerged from the darkness and it was me that the elderly and infirmed saw as they passed into it. My roots would be joined to the entire world and my seeds would spread my likeness and my spark into eternity.”
“I admire your position.” said the stork. But I am hungry and I must eat.
“So you must.” said the frog and he bowed low.
The next day the stork was looking into the eye of a crocodile.
And as he stood frozen in terror, thoughts of fear and pain clouded his mind and soon nothing remained of the stork but a gooey mess.
Work to make this life a beautiful place that you would love to return to and your every moment will be heavenly and you will find it easier to be understanding of whatever comes along.
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