The Dream state has a great academic program

I had the most vivid dream last night. It opened with me in a conversation with my wife and progressed to illuminate fears that I didn’t know I had. The most alarming part for me was that I repeatedly and very pointedly made efforts to convince myself that this couldn’t be happening –in my dream I was very sure I was dreaming. After I woke I sat in bed very lucidly replaying those fears that had just manifested themselves in my dream. The over whelming theme was loss of companionship. I didn’t dream my wife left me or had an accident, I dreamt that she had simply lost the desire and passion and joy she had felt for me. She made it evident that she had duties that she didn’t enjoy or find fulfilling. There was a dramatically degrading presence in her lack of partnership, friendship and connectedness to me. Secondly in this dream my children were indifferent and suspicious of my love, as though it was faked and acted out because of duty on my part. There was no antagonist or evil villain. There was no flying unicorns or surreal environment –I never dream that way. My dream felt and looked like any other day other than the situations and conversations.
I have had many realistic dreams in my lifetime. And I pay attention to these more than most because I feel that they are presented from some inner awareness. I have convinced myself that these dreams are the result of a subconscious analysis, kind of like an early warning system. In the past I have acted on the information I am presented in vivid dreams. I have not questioned what if I don’t, I have just presumed that I was supposed to do as I dreamed I did. So in this dream I realized that I have a fear of becoming disconnected from my family. I dreamt about my fear of being taken for granted. And I realize that being taken for granted in a relationship occurs because both parties become complacent and fail to feed and encourage the connectedness that brought them together.
I learn a lot from my dreams. I know that this may seem silly or sound absurd, but I think that we all tend to ignore our inner voice at times. I think that we all fail to allow our weaknesses to have a voice. This dream made me realize that I have more to give to my wife and kids. This dream made me see that I must keep nurturing the blooms of my everyday actions and reevaluate assumptive attitudes about companionship and duty. I now realize the danger of presumptive love. And perceive the erosion that can be caused by the smallest movements towards unrequited companionship and joy and passion for the people in my life. Buddhism has caused me to become less responsive and emotional yet Buddhism has made me see and feel the truth and deeper ties I have to those I love and other beings and life forms in general. The middle way impacts us all similarly and differently, it is a balanced tide ebbing and flowing over time. Zen mind , beginners mind rings true in my daily life and in my dreams. Life lessons are in everything. Life is an illusion.

What's my Name

I was taught that as Buddhist I must move towards unity with all things. I must resign myself to being inconsequential and not seeing myself as anything. I should not work to not become a non being of nothingness; I should merely be and allow all to consume what I am. But that’s pretty hard for me. I believe my name represents who and what I am.
In the US as in many modernized countries today people are inundated with numbers. We have an address, we have a phone number, we have a tax number, birth date, medical number, extension, locker code, gate code and on, and on. Why? Really ?–Why all the numbers? There was a time when people were known by their name alone. Think about that. You would have had all the information you needed about a person with just their name. And the interesting part was that most everyone was proud to give out their name. My great grandfather put his name on everything, his business, his home, his clothes, and even his sons. Everything he touched seemed to have his initials or full name associated with it. He believed that by placing his name on what he did or what he made, it showed that the item was reliable and trustworthy. “Like Sears” he would say, “we are as trusted as Sears”. But now we have numbers. If you call Sears you get connected to a number, an extension at Sears’s home office or in a branch store. You will actually get connected and reconnected to many numbers depending on the reason you called. Trust has nothing to do with it anymore. These days most company’s seem to see names as a liability. Most large companies are actually held or owned by someone you’ve never heard of. Smaller companies are mostly –“Doing business as…” or DBA. That means that Fred’s Fast Foods is actually Rinchopali Patel’s food delivery service. But Mr. Patel is just a subcontractor for a much larger food service that never deals with the person who’s found a toenail in their Chinese spring roll.
This doesn’t help me much when I am trying to instill a sense of pride and honor in my kids. When my daughter told a lie –I asked her if she minded if I called her Feebe the Liar. She said very emphatically “No!”. When I asked why not, she said she wasn’t a liar. I replied that when she lies or is dishonest those behaviors are forever attached to her name. So since she lied I was sure that some people may already be referring to her as Feebe the liar. I let her know that over time they will forget that she lied so long as she doesn’t do it again. Thankfully, the issue hasn’t come up again. But the idea still resounds with me every time I go out to dinner, read a news article, see a piece of art. I judge the person I am served by, reading, or viewing by my interaction with them.
Steve behind the counter at the pharmacy might have a degree and be an awesome individual but when he gets my order wrong three times in a row he is “Steve the idiot”. When he lies to me and tells me that the Dr. ordered it wrong (I know this to be a lie) he becomes “Steve the liar”. Maybe I’m old fashioned or maybe I’m just too demanding but I believe that truth and responsibility are chained to a person’s character. So as a Buddhist I give everyone one hundred chances. I could never call Steve an idiot or think badly of him for more than a second. But I admit, I will be mentally hoping that he doesn’t lie to me when we speak again. I will think-“Come on Steve, be honest, be sincere take responsibility.” I know he means well.
But others are vocal and unforgiving about such issues and I see this is Steve’s fault –he knows he doesn’t need to lie.
Beverly who serves my family’s breakfast once a week at the local café never covers for the cooks –“If it isn’t right- she says- it won’t come to the table”. And she’s right. Food has been late to arrive, foods’ been a little salty, or whatever –but what Bev controls is true and respectable. Bev goes out of her way to make us feel like customers who are paying her salary. To us her name means good, fast honest service, and her actions let us know that is important to her.
What’s important to many folks may not necessarily be the same as me, but My name carries humanity, compassion, reliability and responsibility with it and hopefully I am not the only one who cares.

flocking sumo phobic ax pole –what power in a word?

In opening I will tell you a short sad story about my son and his teacher and bad words.
At the age of 3 my son had already developed quite a reputation for self reliance at the day care. He was not unsocial but preferred to play alone or with one or maybe two other children only. He was reading and sounding words out and was also a very good listener even when you weren’t aware he was paying attention. So it was no surprise to my wife and I when we received a note that my son had said bad words to another child. It was however a surprise to us when the elderly woman who directed the day care told us what he had said, “He called the little girl a stupid head.” said the kindly mothering director. “Stupid head” –that’s what this is about?” I said. With a stern look the director leaned in and began to speak to us as thought we were children. And when it comes to speech as a multifunctional tool I think that we are all children. As I listened I relived many of the hateful things I had said over the years, especially as a teen, with painful clarity.
This was when I received my best transmission on what correct speech is all about. She explained to my wife and I the concept that words are merely the expression we vocalize. And I must say it opened our eyes. TO think that my little boy would explode with anger and lash out verbally with a hurtful and demeaning intention was very surprising and alarming. He was a little boy. Where had that come from? OH – his friends and relatives and TV and a hundred other overheard public scenes.
I must admit “Stupid” was not on my list of curse words but as we listened, it soon became one, as did butt head, retard, and pansy. So we had a conversation with my son. And then after another incident we asked him how he would like to be punished the next time –he chose hot sauce over soap. Sure enough there was a third time. Meanwhile my wife and I were teaching him words that were more fitting. Words and sentences that he agreed were much more meaningful than “You’re a stupid head!” In the end I think my wife and I learned far more than my son. We learned that right speech has far greater connotations than nice words and intelligent compassionate statements. As time went on I made sure than my children and nieces and nephews were raised with the understanding that words only have power that we imbue them with. Well at least that’s what I tried to teach them about “bad” words. To illustrate this I would make up some gibberish words and yell them in an angry tone. I would tell the kids that I was using curse words in another language. At which point they would look at me wide eyed. I would repeat the words in a soothing and silly voice. “See - I would say - those same words have little power to scare you if I say them nicely, so it isn’t the word that is bad but how you use it.”At which point the child I was giving this lesson to, would look at me like I was crazy. As do many of my friends when I bring up this topic.
There are no bad words only bad intentions. I repeat –There are no bad words only bad intentions. If I were to make a list of words that should be bad it surely would not include bodily functions, body parts –or acts that most of us cherish as the best way to share love. My bad words would be; war, hate, bigotry, torture, slavery and maybe a few more that thankfully don’t come to mind. I have worked on this issue with my kids (and myself) for years. Words carry information, intention, and emotion and color the world with our own self interest, that’s all. So when someone curses at you, the words they say are not the right words to present information; but rather, an intention of some emotion that they need to express. OR in most cases they are used to accentuate a statement which for some reason can’t be better accented with a more applicable word. Usually this is because of a poor vocabulary but sometimes because it fits the mood or social vernacular. I won’t get into the words or their origin although that is an interesting journey. I will just say that the connotations and connections that the use of these words have, is ingrained in our understanding from early childhood. Unfortunately most of us were never challenged to get creative. If we had been I am sure we could think up several more applicable and expressive colloquialisms and explicative words so that we could retire these overused and frankly outdated expressions.
And my son, well he is now in his late teens and has a real distaste for cursing –in movies and on TV –he is far more aware than my wife and I of the lack of creativeness and the regression of vocabulary in our country. In our society the power of words and their use is constantly challenged and I find that amazing, as well as the power of a little hot sauce.
Right speech begins with expressing intentions and emotions and truth. And honestly that’s really friggin hard sometimes.Speak well my friends and your intentions will require few words.

Anti-Buddha

Sitting here today I have once again latched onto a thought that I have caught and released many times in the last year. In our world there is a very indefinable connection to the opposite of goodness, the epitome of badness, the Anti-Christ. This person would be very similar in many ways to Christ but with a contrary focus. Holding onto and developing this idea I realized that the Anti-Buddha, would follow a contrary path. It would work to increase suffering in the world and would condone a closed mind and a huge ego in all of us. An Anti-Buddha would blindly consume, despise compassionate interactions and attempt to build a single world view. This being would be thoughtless, aggressive, reactionary and selfish. As I imagine my version of the anti-Buddha I must first imagine the Buddha and all that the path to awakening represents. I must first see the noble truths and the eight spokes of the dharma. I must see the image of the Buddha in the light of compassion and understanding. And I found that when I did this I realized the true anti-Buddha is me. We all have Buddha nature within us, and we all have the contrary within us. We choose our path and our ability to control our interaction in the world makes the world in our image every moment of every day. So I realize that in my world there is no anti-Buddha, there is only me to take the right path and to follow the Way that has been laid out before me or not. And when I make mistakes they are my fault, though I will admit it is always easier to blame an angry ghost.

Finding life, Loosing worry and fear

Several years ago I had a scare. I was hiking on the remote Cumberland Island and I didn’t feel quite right. What could I do but trek on. When I returned home I called my cardiologist, see I have a history of cardiac issues stemming from a congenital defect. But I never let me, slow me down. So, two weeks after my hiking trip I had a routine cardiac check up. All looks good they said. And then the next day the cardiologist said something very different. A week later I was relieved from my worry and stress by the stark realization that life is what it is. Life is unpredictable and surprising and that is what makes it so awesome. At that moment I was laying there, about to go into open heart surgery. I was helpless, hooked up to machines and dripping bags, and “things that go ping”. And at that precarious position in my life I realized what worry and fear really are. They are doubt, they are uncontrolled reactions, and they are surprises and expressed unknowns that all feed worry and anxiety. But like most wonderful and frightening things in life they come unbidden and suddenly. Life is a chain of these ups and downs that make each day awesome, and for good or bad or better or worse we are tied to it. My Christian friends say I have faith and should praise Jesus for all my good fortunes. My Buddhist nature fully agrees but I prefer to spread compassion, giving or helping with little random acts of kindness and compassion as my personal responsibility. I know that worry and fear are very natural, passion and love, compassion and empathy are also natural. I see remorse for what was lost one moment is balanced in the next with happiness many times every day. But most of us take those happiness’s for granted and seek only to beg forgiveness for our sins in hopes that the awesome gift that is our daily lives will be somehow made richer, more shining and bright, better. I have gown into a different understanding. Life is movement and change. This is what I have faith in. I know that if I merely look and listen to the lives of others I will see the ebbs and flows of the tide of being alive. The same life of being that provides each of us the opportunity for understanding to evade poverty and addiction, to help others and dig within ourselves for strength. We are beings that auto-magically have the intellect and ability to be compassionate and control emotion, but not the will to make a habit of it. I know that I have the power to see the good in every moment or at least my lack of control of it. I believe that if everyone was to take life as it comes, living in the moment, that fear and worry would be reduced to passing thoughts. These two emotions would loose the power to erode our lives and perhaps prosperity of spirit and physical health would be improved.
Look around you at the people you presume are better off. Why do most of us see only the shell as a sign of health and fortune? I know a man paralyzed since his teens who’s biggest regret is that he can’t reassure strangers that he is fine. He can’t change their piteous glances into understanding because they automatically associate their form and function to his lack. I assure you he lacks very little. I know of people who exalt and praise the physically handicapped for dealing with daily life. They say “Look at them, how hard life must be?” “If they can do it, I can too!.” But People with cancer, lung or heart problems or psychological or neurological differences are more prevalent that those with an outward deformity. Why then do we not show similar pity and comparison for them? Because we don’t presume to know of their life as they don’t know of ours. So why then don’t we allow ourselves a moment of pity for ourselves? Why don’t we use our own accomplishments as reminders of how strong we are? I believe we should. We should each see the good and the bad as one thing – LIFE. This view makes fear and worry become just more feelings akin to nervousness, anticipation, and excitement which we all know come on too fast and leave us none the worse for wear. If we are able to allow these two hungry demons to pass unfed then the nourishment for Anxiety and Depression are in short supply.
If you don’t want a monkey on your back, quit feeding it.

The seasons of life.

Life is a collection of changes, impermanent changes. In a single life we can actually have many "lives". We have a life as a child, a teen, an adult. We have lives as single, married or divorced. We have no control of the changes that transition us from one life to another but we must make the best of every day.
I look back at my marriage and see how many different relationships that represents. I see clearly how many husbands I have been and how many wives I have had in our single and only marriage. Looking back, the first person I was in the beginning of the marriage was a lust filled and enamored young man, head over heels in adoration and fully committed to our friendship and partnership. For me at that time spontaneity, career aspirations, travel and freedom were the bonding agents of our relationship. Everything was exciting and new and it seemed that I was energized through the simple friction of a full schedule and physical contact.
When my wife became pregnant my life changed again- I became NEW-daddy, refocused in heart and mind and duty. I was a reassigned and dedicated version of my previous self. And I quickly found that my late night restless and playful hours could be spent on more quiet and rewarding demands. I learned what it meant to be tired and in love. I learned what the miracle of birth looks like and what it feels like (views which are in my opinion, apposed). I learned what it means to be responsible and unquestionably in love. And I learned that that all my creativity and mastery, and passion of art will only be like a match to the sun when compared to the beauty and emotion created by my wife. I learned what it meant to adore, to cherish, to share and both my wife and new son opened a well within me that lay beyond comprehension until it began to pour meaning into my life. We were blessed with this same occurrence when my daughter joined us several years later. Before my second child I became devout in the religion of my family’s wellbeing. This happened gradually over several years until it just was. Thoughts of me, mine and self faded to us, and ours.
At some point about three years later I changed again. I found myself content to just sit silently holding hands with my wife at dinner. I realized the pleasure of a quiet house or a day alone. I began to touch the deeper meanings of meditation and consciousness and awareness of “the moment”. I saw very clearly the importance of teaching my children about the world, nature and what respect and awareness are. I realized painfully that I can not protect their bodies and minds from the world. And more importantly I remembered all those things I enjoyed learning the hard way so in some situations I found I didn’t want to protect them. I realized what it is to share space and time with that which you created. I learned to feed and nurture, to communicate and conform and I began to learn to comfort, them, myself and others by sitting silently and being close.
I found the importance of my parents every stance and made some of my own. I watched the world grow in gasps and fits like weeds that appear overnight –and I began to hate shaving and mowing –these seem to waste so much time for so little a reward. Now, both get done every month or so. But most importantly in that phase I learned that Change comes unbidden and regardless. Change consumes and builds anew in an instant or a lifetime. I learned to celebrate change.
As my children are now sprouting into a teen ager and an adult, and fledgling wings are shedding pin feathers and flapping at the edge of the nest. I am learning to let go, to find a cool deep drink in a hug, a smile, a cuddle –but this comes to me too late. I am learning to enjoy myself and some of my own freedoms though they seem kind of boring without the family. And I wonder If I will some day soon begin to see the tail end of my circle. I wonder if I will become lust filled and playful, wanting travel and a care free existence filled with spontaneity and unscheduled days. But I guess that’s what every day really is; we lust for things, we are passionate and playful, we travel either in books and fairy tales, movies and family trips, and we are spontaneous with colds, and spills, and school projects and sleepovers. I think maybe I have always had hold of the tail end of my circle –it’s just the point I was looking at it from that changed.
We all work changes in the world, for good or bad we create change. So, Go! Work changes and enjoy the impermanence of your life.