I had the most vivid dream last night. It opened with me in a conversation with my wife and progressed to illuminate fears that I didn’t know I had. The most alarming part for me was that I repeatedly and very pointedly made efforts to convince myself that this couldn’t be happening –in my dream I was very sure I was dreaming. After I woke I sat in bed very lucidly replaying those fears that had just manifested themselves in my dream. The over whelming theme was loss of companionship. I didn’t dream my wife left me or had an accident, I dreamt that she had simply lost the desire and passion and joy she had felt for me. She made it evident that she had duties that she didn’t enjoy or find fulfilling. There was a dramatically degrading presence in her lack of partnership, friendship and connectedness to me. Secondly in this dream my children were indifferent and suspicious of my love, as though it was faked and acted out because of duty on my part. There was no antagonist or evil villain. There was no flying unicorns or surreal environment –I never dream that way. My dream felt and looked like any other day other than the situations and conversations.
I have had many realistic dreams in my lifetime. And I pay attention to these more than most because I feel that they are presented from some inner awareness. I have convinced myself that these dreams are the result of a subconscious analysis, kind of like an early warning system. In the past I have acted on the information I am presented in vivid dreams. I have not questioned what if I don’t, I have just presumed that I was supposed to do as I dreamed I did. So in this dream I realized that I have a fear of becoming disconnected from my family. I dreamt about my fear of being taken for granted. And I realize that being taken for granted in a relationship occurs because both parties become complacent and fail to feed and encourage the connectedness that brought them together.
I learn a lot from my dreams. I know that this may seem silly or sound absurd, but I think that we all tend to ignore our inner voice at times. I think that we all fail to allow our weaknesses to have a voice. This dream made me realize that I have more to give to my wife and kids. This dream made me see that I must keep nurturing the blooms of my everyday actions and reevaluate assumptive attitudes about companionship and duty. I now realize the danger of presumptive love. And perceive the erosion that can be caused by the smallest movements towards unrequited companionship and joy and passion for the people in my life. Buddhism has caused me to become less responsive and emotional yet Buddhism has made me see and feel the truth and deeper ties I have to those I love and other beings and life forms in general. The middle way impacts us all similarly and differently, it is a balanced tide ebbing and flowing over time. Zen mind , beginners mind rings true in my daily life and in my dreams. Life lessons are in everything. Life is an illusion.
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