I loved that van ...

At a party recently I made a mental note of a change in conversation that I got caught in. I made a mental note because it had the theme of nostalgia. I hadn’t found this line of conversation appealing in the past. I am younger than most of my friends, they are all retired or close to it, their kids are grown, they are old. So when I found myself in a conversation where I used the phrase “I can remember when…”I turned on the mental pocket recorder. I have never been one to wax quixotic about things before. I love technology, I adore modern innovations. But when someone picked up this little toy and asked me about my VW van, well a warm flush came over me. As I took the little toy from them I told them how my wife got it for me several years ago and as I spoke I was transported to the vinyl seat overlooking a bus style steering wheel and nothing between me and the headlights but poly-foam and thin sheet metal.
Wow; what is that –it just happened again.
Ok I admit I really had fun in my van. That was 20 years ago. So this conversation that I remember had a sickeningly sweet smell of “Man, I remember when …”
I can’t stand that. I can’t stand it because when people begin to measure their happiness, success and appearance with what they think they’ve lost or think they need; well then they have already fallen from the tree house of self worth. I agree that we are all envious, and even resentful of things we don’t have. I think civilization has been built on people getting something that they want. Land, gold, oil, grain these are the things that wars are fought over. This is the bad side of desire. So when people say “I’ll be much happier if…” or “When I (blank) everything will be great.” I tune them out. I also tune out old people when they start reminiscing about what they had, should have done, or wish they could do again. I have trained myself to value where I am. I have spent long hours focusing on where I am in life and how lucky I am to have friends, wife, kids, and all that I have. I have worked really hard to prevent myself from having destructive thoughts that diminish my value as a person.
So when I realized that I missed how I felt driving my VW van, with those vinyl seats, and the huge steering wheel, I made a mental note. I noted how much I missed the little corner window that could instantly blast me with wind when I opened it. It was awesome when I drove for hours, immersed in music and scenery and the ever present RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR of the engine.
I could fit 10 friends in that van. At one point I had two recliners as middle seats. I found them when I was dumpster diving behind married-housing on campus right after graduation. I loved that van.
It didn’t have airbags, seatbelts, air conditioning or a heater. But 4 of us could sleep in it –not comfortably but there were many times that we did. I really loved that van.
The conversation came to an abrupt end when my buddy said “Why don’t you get another one, the kids would love it.” I was horrified. I said, “”An old one? No Way man! Those things are dangerous and very unreliable. And a new one –they’re just not the same.”
Since that party I have been thinking more and more about the past, and how I would really enjoyed having this or that. Hiking the AT again, Surfing, traveling on a shoestring. And I think of how these things made me feel. What I realized is that all of us have that something that takes us back or propels us forward in our life and makes us see our self in a different way, a more appealing and desirable way. A new car, a face lift, more money, a larger house, these are things that many of us think will improve our life. I realized that if I got myself an old VW van I wouldn’t see it the same way I saw it then. It wouldn’t make me feel the same way it does in my memory. Remembering isn’t dangerous. It’s acting on the desire to be someone else that’s harmful. I realized that quite often people go to great lengths to get what they think they need to be happy or appealing or successful only to realize that they may have gotten what they wanted but they are the same person. I decided I don’t want to be an old guy in the old VW van. I decided that it’s ok to just flashback and enjoy the ride. And I listen closely when the old guys I hang out with say, “Hey man, remember when…” Yah –I remember, and wasn’t it awesome.
Have I told you about how I got this little hula girl…